A Note to Our Employees on Pride Month
Wednesday, June 1, 2022
RE: Happy Pride Month!
This June, we at Corporate Headquarters want you know that we appreciate all our FunJoy employees. Our mission is to build a fun and joyous place to work and play… For everyone. Happy Pride!
PS — Don’t forget to get 5% off all this month on rainbow FunJoy swag!
Friday, June 3, 2022
RE: RE: Happy Pride Month!
We at Corporate Headquarters would like to address a little “pushback” we have received on our Pride Month greeting.
Apparently, some of you consider FunJoy’s message of unity to be at odds with our recent $300,000 donation to the gubernatorial campaign of Truck Hastings (R), who has repeatedly advocated against teachers, caregivers, and convenience store clerks being allowed to mention the existence of members of the LGBTQIA+ community, apparently under the theory that speaking about them will summon them like Voldemort. (By the way, if you don’t get that reference, look it up and get your kids a full set of the books immediately! You won’t regret a single penny.)
We wish to make it clear that our donation was for Truck Hastings’ labor policies, which in the past have allowed us to classify our full-time delivery drivers as contractors and then, as of 2021, as office supplies. The donation was not for his rabid bigotry, which we see as irrelevant and not something that would affect the company in any way.
Trust us when we say that we care about our LGBTQIA+ employees (And contractors! And office supplies!) and all our employees who have LGBTQIA+ loved ones. It’s just that those delivery driver classifications saved us some sweet tax money, especially with the depreciation. Hope that clears things up! And happy Pride.
PS — Let’s make that 10% off all this month on rainbow FunJoy swag!
Wednesday, June 8, 2022
RE: RE: RE: Happy Pride Month!
First off, we at corporate headquarters had no idea about the wizard lady’s Twitter or about the many other problematic elements of the series. We at FunJoy regret the spontaneous book recommendation.
Second, we are deeply hurt and puzzled by the notion that we are sending “mixed messages” by talking to our LGBTQIA+ customers, staffers, contractors and office supplies about Pride while donating to Truck Hastings and — OK, you got us — also $153,000 to state senator Laney Bonk (R), who has repeatedly stated her intention to “Pray the Gay Right into the Bay.”
We at FunJoy hope that you will weigh her direct threats to dissolve your marriages and harass your children against the fact that Ms. Bonk will allow us to use eminent domain to turn that unsightly animal rescue and petting farm on Andover Street into a beautiful new rendering facility.
We would appreciate it if you would stop thinking of our very public commitment to equality and our political donations as “mixed messaging” or “openly sociopathic,” and instead reframe them as unpredictable whimsy, which after all is what FunJoy is all about.
Finally, we were surprised at the amount of outrage that came our way over the reclassification of some of your coworkers as office supplies. We’re still working to get our heads around this, but please rest assured that it will not affect team selections at the annual volleyball tournament.
PS — How about 25% off all this month on rainbow FunJoy swag?
Monday, June 13, 2022
RE: RE: RE: RE: Happy Pride Month!
In response to the numerous emails about this week’s donation to the fledgling congressional campaign of Ted “Eagle” Whitmire (R): Yes, we are aware that Mr. Whitmire insists on publicly referring to members of the LGBTQIA+ community as “Satan’s carnival barkers,” that he believes people with green eyes are descended from 6th-dimension snake demons, and that he has advocated for the revocation of passports for anyone who has ever played the trombone.
That said, his deregulation proposals would save us nearly $250 a year, every year, and we consider the matter closed. We hope we can put all this behind us and enjoy what remains of Pride month together. Don’t forget to sashay over to the free pancake breakfast!
PS — Please stop burning rainbow FunJoy swag in the parking lot.
Friday, June 17, 2022
RE: Happy Juneteenth!